the bombs bursting in air

so i finally got that one week of blissful respite. oh my gosh, how i needed it. i sat on the most fantastic beach chair every morning til afternoon, escaping into paperbacks and letting soft, foamy waves lap my feet until the tide sunk my chair deep into the sand. the salt water dried my hair into a wonderful matted mess and washed away coats of sunscreen, leaving my shoulders red and crisp. i walked away with that wonderful fatigued feeling only the seashore can bestow. i ate soggy sandwiches and crackers and dove into crashing waves one after the other. i showered away the day and spent evenings at small seaside restaurants eating hush puppies and sitting on the balcony of our rental, watching the ocean until it went black. i closed my eyes and tried to memorize the sound of the waves and the gulls. it was beautiful. it was needed.

so back i am, nursing bug bites and watching the redness fade from my shoulders. it's the fourth of july and i'm alone in a quiet apartment. my child squeals w/delight on the phone, pausing to say hello on what was a joyous week w/her daddy. it was her vacation too, from school, from our rushed routine. what a welcome change for her...playing in the backyard on a voluminous blow-up pool and slide, painting exotic pictures with her cousin, riding a bike, going to parties. I smile knowing she needed it as much as i did. i smile at the blessing she has of so much family to love her.

and now i sit, fighting a migraine for the second day. maybe the change in atmospheres? who knows. i fold one load of laundry after another, trying to put the endless piles back into their place. but there are always piles here at my house. papers here, shoes there, a stack of vogues and harpers bazaars over the bathroom floor. i carried the freshly scrubbed attitude from the beach back to my home today, walking makeup free with a wet head into starbucks to get a chai and a new view. i read beautiful stories in vogue about a lost past, about emma watson. i'm in the softest of t-shirts, a billowy white skirt, flip-flops.

i return here to spend the last hours of my escape. i look once again at the video claire's grandma sent me..a Summer Saturday starring claire and elena. i love seeing her happiness. i press between my eyes to relieve some of the pressure still stubbornly residing in my head. i briefly wish i could be at a picnic with my family. i think about watching a movie.

i miss writing. i like pressing letters to form a drawing of my life or some fictionalized form of it. maybe i'll come back again someday soon.

My Apartment Living

It's President's Day, the migraine is finally subsiding, and I'm home on a day off and need to get moving on the cleaning project. And I will. Well, right after I blog.

After living here in Maryland for almost 11 years, I'm finally way happy with my apartment. I like the location and the space. And with a child and on my way to age 38 (gag), I want to make this rented space a home. I started last year when I moved in. I had lots of big ideas, as usual...and a small budget, as usual. Still, I was able to get enough to make a good start.

This year, it's about to get better. I have visions, and a little bit more will come to fruition.

Yesterday, my lovies, I ordered my new living room sofa..woot woot!!!!

My existing sofa resides in Claire's play room and is covered in a very happy (and practical) red slipcover. This will remain our primary casual seating area. My living room will be more of my dream escape. So I need to convey that idea to my child, who will, I'm sure, look at the new sofa as her new piece of gym equipment...sigh.

Nevertheless, I feel like a kid in a candy store thinking about the future spot where my sofa will live.

As a confirmed etsy whore, I have been slowly but surely acquiring a few accent pieces to further make my place my own. I am excited to make my rather blah master bathroom a bit more "me," and the theme of my whole bedroom/bathroom is "tranquility."

Little by little, my home will reflect who I am, and I am overjoyed to say I'm liking not only my home, but the person I am, more and more each day.

Cheers!

Febs

Thoughts going through my head simultaneously:

1. What can I do to be a better parent to Claire?

2. What can Brant and I do to parent together better for Claire? Should we resume doing "family" activities, even though we really aren't a family? Should we remain separate entities? What would make her feel more secure?

3. I need to pick up the Your Baby's Self-Esteem and the Dora and the Potty books I ordered that are sitting at the leasing office. Need to do it, need to do it, need to do it.

4. I can't WAIT to eat the beef stew I made for dinner tonight.

5. I hope Claire likes the beef stew.

6. Should I attempt to get Claire back in her own bed tonight? It needs to be done, but should I let her sleep w/me anyway? Do I have it in me to win that fight tonight?

7. I need to get the garbage out to the dumpsters today.

8. I wish this headache would go away.

9. I wonder if Claire would like the Memory game? I should try that.

10. I need to pluck my eyebrows.

11. I need to get a jar of roasted red peppers to make soup.

12. I miss my friends.

13. I need to pick my prescription up.

14. I need to get to the post office.

15. I need to concentrate on this proposal.


And those are just the thoughts for the last 60 seconds. Busy mind seeks quiet refuge...gonna keep looking.

What She Said

"We teach our children to be good citizens, never kill, never lie, never do bad things, and yet in 3-4 weeks, we train them to go and kill people half way around the world, and still have yet to give them a good reason to kill and die."

Helen Thomas, American author and former news service reporter, member of the White House Press Corps and columnist.

And so this is Christmas
WAR IS OVER
For weak and for strong
IF YOU WANT IT
For rich and the poor ones
WAR IS OVER
The road is so long
NOW
And so happy Christmas
WAR IS OVER
For black and for white
IF YOU WANT IT
For yellow and red ones
WAR IS OVER
Let's stop all the fight
NOW

Disillusioned

"Christian" church going to protest Elizabeth Edwards' funeral with their messages of "God hates fags" and claim she's going to hell. (And how can anyone wonder why I detest religion?)

Army of people think it's their right to spout national secrets for the public to see, acting under the guise of vigilantes exposing the "truth" of what the "public deserves to know."

Congress of our elected spouting back and forth and not a one caring for what would really help their constituents.

North Korea ready to start the next world war.

Iranian woman facing stoning.

More murders in Baltimore.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell upheld.

Companies hiring spies to make sure you're home when you call out sick.

Three boys missing whose dad claims he dropped them off w/"Friend" so they wouldn't see him kill himself. Dad still living, boys gone, nowhere to be found.


If anyone wants to know why I sit alone and hang my head most days, this is why. What kind of world did I bring my daughter into? And for all of those news stories, if you read them online and read all the comments from others, it only reinforces the hate-filled, corrupt world we live in.

I'll continue to love my child and do my best, but it's really a losing battle, folks.

The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas

If ever there was $9 a month that was well spent, it is for my Netflix service. I have been doing not so great at actually receiving and returning the physical DVDs (like that's a big surprise), BUT their library of instant viewing movies and TV shows is amazing!

Adding to my homage to Netflix, they have three full seasons of Dora the Explorer and two seasons of Go, Diego, Go available for instant viewing. LIFE SAVER!!!! Claire says, "Mommy, I watch Dora on your 'puter."

So after dinner, she wanted to snuggle in for some quality Dora time. I had other ideas. I searched the library for some good holiday films. They're a bit lacking on what's available instantly as far as holiday-themed films (although you can get almost anything you want as a DVD order). What I did find, however, was a little gem, The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas. This is from way back in 1973, the year of my birth (i.e., a bazillion years ago). Casey Kasem narrates, and Tommy Smothers is the little bear. Oh, what a delightful little film!!! Claire was mesmerized, and it was a sweet and funny little tribute to Christmas.

Anyone with a Netflix subscription should take the short 25 minutes it takes to watch this...it's an endearing little tale that spans the decades :-)

Happy Thanksgiving

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)