so i finally got that one week of blissful respite. oh my gosh, how i needed it. i sat on the most fantastic beach chair every morning til afternoon, escaping into paperbacks and letting soft, foamy waves lap my feet until the tide sunk my chair deep into the sand. the salt water dried my hair into a wonderful matted mess and washed away coats of sunscreen, leaving my shoulders red and crisp. i walked away with that wonderful fatigued feeling only the seashore can bestow. i ate soggy sandwiches and crackers and dove into crashing waves one after the other. i showered away the day and spent evenings at small seaside restaurants eating hush puppies and sitting on the balcony of our rental, watching the ocean until it went black. i closed my eyes and tried to memorize the sound of the waves and the gulls. it was beautiful. it was needed.
so back i am, nursing bug bites and watching the redness fade from my shoulders. it's the fourth of july and i'm alone in a quiet apartment. my child squeals w/delight on the phone, pausing to say hello on what was a joyous week w/her daddy. it was her vacation too, from school, from our rushed routine. what a welcome change for her...playing in the backyard on a voluminous blow-up pool and slide, painting exotic pictures with her cousin, riding a bike, going to parties. I smile knowing she needed it as much as i did. i smile at the blessing she has of so much family to love her.
and now i sit, fighting a migraine for the second day. maybe the change in atmospheres? who knows. i fold one load of laundry after another, trying to put the endless piles back into their place. but there are always piles here at my house. papers here, shoes there, a stack of vogues and harpers bazaars over the bathroom floor. i carried the freshly scrubbed attitude from the beach back to my home today, walking makeup free with a wet head into starbucks to get a chai and a new view. i read beautiful stories in vogue about a lost past, about emma watson. i'm in the softest of t-shirts, a billowy white skirt, flip-flops.
i return here to spend the last hours of my escape. i look once again at the video claire's grandma sent me..a Summer Saturday starring claire and elena. i love seeing her happiness. i press between my eyes to relieve some of the pressure still stubbornly residing in my head. i briefly wish i could be at a picnic with my family. i think about watching a movie.
i miss writing. i like pressing letters to form a drawing of my life or some fictionalized form of it. maybe i'll come back again someday soon.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
My Apartment Living
It's President's Day, the migraine is finally subsiding, and I'm home on a day off and need to get moving on the cleaning project. And I will. Well, right after I blog.
After living here in Maryland for almost 11 years, I'm finally way happy with my apartment. I like the location and the space. And with a child and on my way to age 38 (gag), I want to make this rented space a home. I started last year when I moved in. I had lots of big ideas, as usual...and a small budget, as usual. Still, I was able to get enough to make a good start.
This year, it's about to get better. I have visions, and a little bit more will come to fruition.
Yesterday, my lovies, I ordered my new living room sofa..woot woot!!!!
My existing sofa resides in Claire's play room and is covered in a very happy (and practical) red slipcover. This will remain our primary casual seating area. My living room will be more of my dream escape. So I need to convey that idea to my child, who will, I'm sure, look at the new sofa as her new piece of gym equipment...sigh.
Nevertheless, I feel like a kid in a candy store thinking about the future spot where my sofa will live.
As a confirmed etsy whore, I have been slowly but surely acquiring a few accent pieces to further make my place my own. I am excited to make my rather blah master bathroom a bit more "me," and the theme of my whole bedroom/bathroom is "tranquility."
Little by little, my home will reflect who I am, and I am overjoyed to say I'm liking not only my home, but the person I am, more and more each day.
Cheers!
After living here in Maryland for almost 11 years, I'm finally way happy with my apartment. I like the location and the space. And with a child and on my way to age 38 (gag), I want to make this rented space a home. I started last year when I moved in. I had lots of big ideas, as usual...and a small budget, as usual. Still, I was able to get enough to make a good start.
This year, it's about to get better. I have visions, and a little bit more will come to fruition.
Yesterday, my lovies, I ordered my new living room sofa..woot woot!!!!
My existing sofa resides in Claire's play room and is covered in a very happy (and practical) red slipcover. This will remain our primary casual seating area. My living room will be more of my dream escape. So I need to convey that idea to my child, who will, I'm sure, look at the new sofa as her new piece of gym equipment...sigh.
Nevertheless, I feel like a kid in a candy store thinking about the future spot where my sofa will live.
As a confirmed etsy whore, I have been slowly but surely acquiring a few accent pieces to further make my place my own. I am excited to make my rather blah master bathroom a bit more "me," and the theme of my whole bedroom/bathroom is "tranquility."
Little by little, my home will reflect who I am, and I am overjoyed to say I'm liking not only my home, but the person I am, more and more each day.
Cheers!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Febs
Thoughts going through my head simultaneously:
1. What can I do to be a better parent to Claire?
2. What can Brant and I do to parent together better for Claire? Should we resume doing "family" activities, even though we really aren't a family? Should we remain separate entities? What would make her feel more secure?
3. I need to pick up the Your Baby's Self-Esteem and the Dora and the Potty books I ordered that are sitting at the leasing office. Need to do it, need to do it, need to do it.
4. I can't WAIT to eat the beef stew I made for dinner tonight.
5. I hope Claire likes the beef stew.
6. Should I attempt to get Claire back in her own bed tonight? It needs to be done, but should I let her sleep w/me anyway? Do I have it in me to win that fight tonight?
7. I need to get the garbage out to the dumpsters today.
8. I wish this headache would go away.
9. I wonder if Claire would like the Memory game? I should try that.
10. I need to pluck my eyebrows.
11. I need to get a jar of roasted red peppers to make soup.
12. I miss my friends.
13. I need to pick my prescription up.
14. I need to get to the post office.
15. I need to concentrate on this proposal.
And those are just the thoughts for the last 60 seconds. Busy mind seeks quiet refuge...gonna keep looking.
1. What can I do to be a better parent to Claire?
2. What can Brant and I do to parent together better for Claire? Should we resume doing "family" activities, even though we really aren't a family? Should we remain separate entities? What would make her feel more secure?
3. I need to pick up the Your Baby's Self-Esteem and the Dora and the Potty books I ordered that are sitting at the leasing office. Need to do it, need to do it, need to do it.
4. I can't WAIT to eat the beef stew I made for dinner tonight.
5. I hope Claire likes the beef stew.
6. Should I attempt to get Claire back in her own bed tonight? It needs to be done, but should I let her sleep w/me anyway? Do I have it in me to win that fight tonight?
7. I need to get the garbage out to the dumpsters today.
8. I wish this headache would go away.
9. I wonder if Claire would like the Memory game? I should try that.
10. I need to pluck my eyebrows.
11. I need to get a jar of roasted red peppers to make soup.
12. I miss my friends.
13. I need to pick my prescription up.
14. I need to get to the post office.
15. I need to concentrate on this proposal.
And those are just the thoughts for the last 60 seconds. Busy mind seeks quiet refuge...gonna keep looking.
Monday, December 13, 2010
What She Said
"We teach our children to be good citizens, never kill, never lie, never do bad things, and yet in 3-4 weeks, we train them to go and kill people half way around the world, and still have yet to give them a good reason to kill and die."
Helen Thomas, American author and former news service reporter, member of the White House Press Corps and columnist.
And so this is Christmas
WAR IS OVER
For weak and for strong
IF YOU WANT IT
For rich and the poor ones
WAR IS OVER
The road is so long
NOW
And so happy Christmas
WAR IS OVER
For black and for white
IF YOU WANT IT
For yellow and red ones
WAR IS OVER
Let's stop all the fight
NOW
Friday, December 10, 2010
Disillusioned
"Christian" church going to protest Elizabeth Edwards' funeral with their messages of "God hates fags" and claim she's going to hell. (And how can anyone wonder why I detest religion?)
Army of people think it's their right to spout national secrets for the public to see, acting under the guise of vigilantes exposing the "truth" of what the "public deserves to know."
Congress of our elected spouting back and forth and not a one caring for what would really help their constituents.
North Korea ready to start the next world war.
Iranian woman facing stoning.
More murders in Baltimore.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell upheld.
Companies hiring spies to make sure you're home when you call out sick.
Three boys missing whose dad claims he dropped them off w/"Friend" so they wouldn't see him kill himself. Dad still living, boys gone, nowhere to be found.
If anyone wants to know why I sit alone and hang my head most days, this is why. What kind of world did I bring my daughter into? And for all of those news stories, if you read them online and read all the comments from others, it only reinforces the hate-filled, corrupt world we live in.
I'll continue to love my child and do my best, but it's really a losing battle, folks.
Army of people think it's their right to spout national secrets for the public to see, acting under the guise of vigilantes exposing the "truth" of what the "public deserves to know."
Congress of our elected spouting back and forth and not a one caring for what would really help their constituents.
North Korea ready to start the next world war.
Iranian woman facing stoning.
More murders in Baltimore.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell upheld.
Companies hiring spies to make sure you're home when you call out sick.
Three boys missing whose dad claims he dropped them off w/"Friend" so they wouldn't see him kill himself. Dad still living, boys gone, nowhere to be found.
If anyone wants to know why I sit alone and hang my head most days, this is why. What kind of world did I bring my daughter into? And for all of those news stories, if you read them online and read all the comments from others, it only reinforces the hate-filled, corrupt world we live in.
I'll continue to love my child and do my best, but it's really a losing battle, folks.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas
If ever there was $9 a month that was well spent, it is for my Netflix service. I have been doing not so great at actually receiving and returning the physical DVDs (like that's a big surprise), BUT their library of instant viewing movies and TV shows is amazing!
Adding to my homage to Netflix, they have three full seasons of Dora the Explorer and two seasons of Go, Diego, Go available for instant viewing. LIFE SAVER!!!! Claire says, "Mommy, I watch Dora on your 'puter."
So after dinner, she wanted to snuggle in for some quality Dora time. I had other ideas. I searched the library for some good holiday films. They're a bit lacking on what's available instantly as far as holiday-themed films (although you can get almost anything you want as a DVD order). What I did find, however, was a little gem, The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas. This is from way back in 1973, the year of my birth (i.e., a bazillion years ago). Casey Kasem narrates, and Tommy Smothers is the little bear. Oh, what a delightful little film!!! Claire was mesmerized, and it was a sweet and funny little tribute to Christmas.
Anyone with a Netflix subscription should take the short 25 minutes it takes to watch this...it's an endearing little tale that spans the decades :-)
Adding to my homage to Netflix, they have three full seasons of Dora the Explorer and two seasons of Go, Diego, Go available for instant viewing. LIFE SAVER!!!! Claire says, "Mommy, I watch Dora on your 'puter."
So after dinner, she wanted to snuggle in for some quality Dora time. I had other ideas. I searched the library for some good holiday films. They're a bit lacking on what's available instantly as far as holiday-themed films (although you can get almost anything you want as a DVD order). What I did find, however, was a little gem, The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas. This is from way back in 1973, the year of my birth (i.e., a bazillion years ago). Casey Kasem narrates, and Tommy Smothers is the little bear. Oh, what a delightful little film!!! Claire was mesmerized, and it was a sweet and funny little tribute to Christmas.
Anyone with a Netflix subscription should take the short 25 minutes it takes to watch this...it's an endearing little tale that spans the decades :-)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Painting a Rainbow on Black Friday
Simply put, Black Friday makes me sick. I don't understand glorifying a day that showcases the worst qualities in human beings: greed, greed, greed, more greed, every man for himself, aggression, inconsideration, and have I mentioned greed?
One year before work when I still lived in Pennsylvania, I needed laundry detergent. Absolutely clueless, I stopped at Walmart on Black Friday that morning. I waited a half hour in line to buy Tide. I don't care if I have not a crumb to eat and no toilet paper, I will never, ever go out again on Black Friday. This year I'm working, and I'm fine with that.
I love giving gifts. I love that much more than receiving really. I also like getting a good deal, as I, like most, am on a tight budget. The evolution of online shopping has been a godsend. I like the luxury of sitting at home in the evenings, carefully picking things and having a ton of variety right at my fingertips. Better yet, many of the Black Friday deals have translated into web deals as well. So that works fairly well for me.
More importantly, Black Friday and all that goes with it just cheapens the spirit of what the holiday is about. I'm not speaking religiously here either. No matter what your particular belief (even if it means no belief), Christmas to me represents a time when human beings worldwide come together to be charitable, kind, and giving. Black Friday is like an ugly, open sore on that concept.
So this year, I'm going to paint a rainbow over the "Black." I'm going to commit to a season of love and giving. I'm going to celebrate the spirit of the season and teach my child what Christmas should really be about.
Happy Holidays, one and all.
One year before work when I still lived in Pennsylvania, I needed laundry detergent. Absolutely clueless, I stopped at Walmart on Black Friday that morning. I waited a half hour in line to buy Tide. I don't care if I have not a crumb to eat and no toilet paper, I will never, ever go out again on Black Friday. This year I'm working, and I'm fine with that.
I love giving gifts. I love that much more than receiving really. I also like getting a good deal, as I, like most, am on a tight budget. The evolution of online shopping has been a godsend. I like the luxury of sitting at home in the evenings, carefully picking things and having a ton of variety right at my fingertips. Better yet, many of the Black Friday deals have translated into web deals as well. So that works fairly well for me.
More importantly, Black Friday and all that goes with it just cheapens the spirit of what the holiday is about. I'm not speaking religiously here either. No matter what your particular belief (even if it means no belief), Christmas to me represents a time when human beings worldwide come together to be charitable, kind, and giving. Black Friday is like an ugly, open sore on that concept.
So this year, I'm going to paint a rainbow over the "Black." I'm going to commit to a season of love and giving. I'm going to celebrate the spirit of the season and teach my child what Christmas should really be about.
Happy Holidays, one and all.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!
Ahhhh, and we are quickly coming upon my favorite time of the year!! Yes, I loooooove the Christmas season!! I love the time leading up to Christmas much more than Christmas Day to be honest. And this year, I finally get to share it with my daughter.
Claire hasn't understood Christmas much up until now. I still don't think she completely "gets" it, but we've been talking more about it. She has been talking about Santa Claus and learned "Jingle Bells" in her music class at school. I am really looking forward to getting the Christmas tree this year. I have been without one for the last few years, but this year it's coming back. I can't wait to smell it, have Claire see it, have us decorate it together, even though I'm sure that will be quite an event with a 3-year-old.
I've been watching holiday movies for the last two weeks on the Hallmark Channel. Claire has favored Christmas episodes of Dora. I've put in the Sesame Street Christmas DVDs, and she's made it through a bit but she just wants Dora, Dora, Dora. I'd like to have a CD of children's Christmas music for her to listen to. I've been teaching her "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and she loves singing that line over and over.
My Christmas cards are bought and ready to write. I'm ready to adorn my mantle in greens and candles. Claire's Christmas portraits are back and ready to send.
May the upcoming days be merry and bright!!!
Claire hasn't understood Christmas much up until now. I still don't think she completely "gets" it, but we've been talking more about it. She has been talking about Santa Claus and learned "Jingle Bells" in her music class at school. I am really looking forward to getting the Christmas tree this year. I have been without one for the last few years, but this year it's coming back. I can't wait to smell it, have Claire see it, have us decorate it together, even though I'm sure that will be quite an event with a 3-year-old.
I've been watching holiday movies for the last two weeks on the Hallmark Channel. Claire has favored Christmas episodes of Dora. I've put in the Sesame Street Christmas DVDs, and she's made it through a bit but she just wants Dora, Dora, Dora. I'd like to have a CD of children's Christmas music for her to listen to. I've been teaching her "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and she loves singing that line over and over.
My Christmas cards are bought and ready to write. I'm ready to adorn my mantle in greens and candles. Claire's Christmas portraits are back and ready to send.
May the upcoming days be merry and bright!!!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Princess and the Potty
I just read In-Sung's blog where she talked about all the awesome books she is reading to Minhae. Claire is a big book fan as well. She has a book called The Princess and the Potty that she loves. The plot, as described by Publishers Weekly, states
Sigh. Welcome to my world. I have someone at my residence who just turned 3 who is completely uninterested in using her potty. She still wears pull-ups to school, and I think the teachers are becoming a little tired of that. Thankfully others in her class wear them too but not the majority. I have a big pile of big girl panties...princesses and Dora. When we get home from work/school, we take off the pull-up and put on big girl panties! Then I give the speech. "Now, Claire, you can't pee in the big girl panties! You have to go on the potty and keep them dry!" Then comes the timer. Every 30 minutes, it dings and off to the bathroom we go; most of the time that involves me dragging her to it screaming. She will usually go. Then sometime during one of the intervals, I'll notice she's soaked. She pees in between the timed breaks. She drinks a lot and it shows! Limiting her drinking is hard because of her allergies. It's a vicious cycle.
The worst part is that the wet or even dirty panties don't bother her a bit, so she'll walk around like that until I figure it out. So that doesn't seem to be working to encourage her to use the potty. I guess the next move will be to go completely naked, but I imagine she'll just pee all over herself and get on with it like nothing ever happened.
I'm not good at this!! I guess I'll read more books, find more incentives, pray to the potty fairy...anything! Until then, I'm accepting donations to the diaper fund of Baltimore County.
"Brown's comic ink-and-watercolor pictures depict a medieval princess who looks to be well past the potty-training stage--and who trots out an engaging range of facial expressions that indicate her stubbornness. It seems she has no interest in trading in the "royal diaper" for a potty--even when tempted with models that are polka-dotted, musical or glow-in-the-dark.".
Sigh. Welcome to my world. I have someone at my residence who just turned 3 who is completely uninterested in using her potty. She still wears pull-ups to school, and I think the teachers are becoming a little tired of that. Thankfully others in her class wear them too but not the majority. I have a big pile of big girl panties...princesses and Dora. When we get home from work/school, we take off the pull-up and put on big girl panties! Then I give the speech. "Now, Claire, you can't pee in the big girl panties! You have to go on the potty and keep them dry!" Then comes the timer. Every 30 minutes, it dings and off to the bathroom we go; most of the time that involves me dragging her to it screaming. She will usually go. Then sometime during one of the intervals, I'll notice she's soaked. She pees in between the timed breaks. She drinks a lot and it shows! Limiting her drinking is hard because of her allergies. It's a vicious cycle.
The worst part is that the wet or even dirty panties don't bother her a bit, so she'll walk around like that until I figure it out. So that doesn't seem to be working to encourage her to use the potty. I guess the next move will be to go completely naked, but I imagine she'll just pee all over herself and get on with it like nothing ever happened.
I'm not good at this!! I guess I'll read more books, find more incentives, pray to the potty fairy...anything! Until then, I'm accepting donations to the diaper fund of Baltimore County.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Happy Birthday, Dear Claire
My baby is three. 3. One two three. I can't believe it. It seems like I had her yesterday and it seems like she's been here forever. She's not a little fuzzy ball anymore. She's a true little girl...that both delights me and breaks my heart. I wish she'd slow down just a little...Mommy wants to keep her little as long as she can.
Claire is wild. Claire is uninhibited. Claire is obstinate. She's hard for a lot of people to control. Because of that I think she's a misunderstood little girl. I know I misunderstand her enough. She does frustrate me on a fairly regular basis. But I realized I confused her stubbornness for deliberate misbehavior, and that's not who my Claire is.
Claire has three baby dolls she often cares for. She is the best little Mommy I've ever seen. She lovingly rocks her babies, places them on pillows, covers them with blankets, she whispers to them in words I can't hear, but they're words of love and reassurance. She smiles at me from across the room. She walks over to me without a word, with both hands she brushes the bangs from my face, leans over, and kisses me on the forehead.
She worries when she thinks I have a "boo-boo." She finds band-aids and puts them on me in an attempt to make me feel better. She shares the apples I cut for her...hands me one, eats one, hands me one, eats one. She loves babies and likes to pat their heads. She loves to laugh from her belly and she makes the funniest faces I've ever seen...mean angry face to big cheesy grin.
Some days I really don't think I'm a great mom, or even a good mom. Some days I don't even know if I want to be a mom to be honest. But as soon as I walk through her door and see her sleeping in her bed, I know with every fiber of my being that Claire was meant to be here, and it's a blessing that she's mine.
I love my beautiful little girl, and this day will always be a day of celebration and thanks. Happy Birthday, sweet Claire.
Claire is wild. Claire is uninhibited. Claire is obstinate. She's hard for a lot of people to control. Because of that I think she's a misunderstood little girl. I know I misunderstand her enough. She does frustrate me on a fairly regular basis. But I realized I confused her stubbornness for deliberate misbehavior, and that's not who my Claire is.
Claire has three baby dolls she often cares for. She is the best little Mommy I've ever seen. She lovingly rocks her babies, places them on pillows, covers them with blankets, she whispers to them in words I can't hear, but they're words of love and reassurance. She smiles at me from across the room. She walks over to me without a word, with both hands she brushes the bangs from my face, leans over, and kisses me on the forehead.
She worries when she thinks I have a "boo-boo." She finds band-aids and puts them on me in an attempt to make me feel better. She shares the apples I cut for her...hands me one, eats one, hands me one, eats one. She loves babies and likes to pat their heads. She loves to laugh from her belly and she makes the funniest faces I've ever seen...mean angry face to big cheesy grin.
Some days I really don't think I'm a great mom, or even a good mom. Some days I don't even know if I want to be a mom to be honest. But as soon as I walk through her door and see her sleeping in her bed, I know with every fiber of my being that Claire was meant to be here, and it's a blessing that she's mine.
I love my beautiful little girl, and this day will always be a day of celebration and thanks. Happy Birthday, sweet Claire.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The princess party and the royalty known as my friends!
Well, we pulled off one fun princess party today! My beautiful little sweetheart's eyes lit up when she saw her pretty pink princess dress, and she was just overwhelmed at all the decorations and people who came just to see her. I was very happy to have her friends (and mine!) there, and I think it was the perfect size.
We had fun doing a craft, opening gifts, blowing out candles, and settling in with popcorn for a fine piece of cinema, Dora's Slumber Party.
A few party pics:
I want to take a minute to thank my wonderful friends. Rose stopped by yesterday with my girlfriend Josie and helped me with my big cleanup project. More than that, she kept me company and provided free entertainment (Miss Josie). In-Sung brought extra little people chairs to help round out the princess party table. And all of them straightened the place up so well before they left that my cleanup was an absolute breeze.
My friends Nina and Rachel helped me get the gorgeous princess cake on Friday evening from my awesome cake lady, Carrie Shelley of Enchanted Cakes and Treats. When we dropped it off at my apartment, those two chicks came in and scrubbed the living daylights out of my kitchen and helped straighten up the entire place. They ROCK and I love them!
So in addition to celebrating Claire's 3rd birthday, today I also celebrated the fact that I am surrounded by some pretty amazing friends. Thanks to everyone!!
We had fun doing a craft, opening gifts, blowing out candles, and settling in with popcorn for a fine piece of cinema, Dora's Slumber Party.
A few party pics:
I want to take a minute to thank my wonderful friends. Rose stopped by yesterday with my girlfriend Josie and helped me with my big cleanup project. More than that, she kept me company and provided free entertainment (Miss Josie). In-Sung brought extra little people chairs to help round out the princess party table. And all of them straightened the place up so well before they left that my cleanup was an absolute breeze.
My friends Nina and Rachel helped me get the gorgeous princess cake on Friday evening from my awesome cake lady, Carrie Shelley of Enchanted Cakes and Treats. When we dropped it off at my apartment, those two chicks came in and scrubbed the living daylights out of my kitchen and helped straighten up the entire place. They ROCK and I love them!
So in addition to celebrating Claire's 3rd birthday, today I also celebrated the fact that I am surrounded by some pretty amazing friends. Thanks to everyone!!
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Week in Between: Part I -- Cleanup
So here I am with an ENTIRE week where I don't have to go to work! I'm a little out of sorts, but I'm going to run with it. The Fuzz is still with her daddy, so I'm trying to tackle the big, ugly project head-on.
Cleaning up the catastrophe known as my apartment.
Ha, I think I blog about this a lot. I'm a messy child. I really am. I will lose my grip on the clutter for one day and then it spirals. And the clutter makes my anxiety soar. Combine that with the fact that I have a very important princess party to host on Saturday, and it's time to kick my butt into high gear.
I'm finally addressing my bedroom. I have an absolutely beautiful bedroom. Unfortunately, it's buried under six feet of crappola. It was honestly never properly unpacked from when I moved in the place in April. So six months later, I guess it's time to deal with it. I'm working one little section at a time. I know when I'm done it's going to give me the sense of peace it was intended to all along.
The rest of the week I'll work on the other rooms, although they're not bad. Having this week off was a godsend. I was really worried about having this whole party and not having enough time to plan, but I've already got all supplies ready and organized, will be picking up the cake on Friday night so Saturday isn't so frenzied, and then hopefully Saturday, after a few hopefully quick errands, will be ready to welcome the royalty to Claire's castle.
While I clean this place up, the week away from the chaos will also serve as a week to give my mind a good scrub. I am really looking forward to walking into my new job next Monday with high spirits and lots of motivation.
So have I procrastinated enough? LOL Back to the bedroom I go!!
Cleaning up the catastrophe known as my apartment.
Ha, I think I blog about this a lot. I'm a messy child. I really am. I will lose my grip on the clutter for one day and then it spirals. And the clutter makes my anxiety soar. Combine that with the fact that I have a very important princess party to host on Saturday, and it's time to kick my butt into high gear.
I'm finally addressing my bedroom. I have an absolutely beautiful bedroom. Unfortunately, it's buried under six feet of crappola. It was honestly never properly unpacked from when I moved in the place in April. So six months later, I guess it's time to deal with it. I'm working one little section at a time. I know when I'm done it's going to give me the sense of peace it was intended to all along.
The rest of the week I'll work on the other rooms, although they're not bad. Having this week off was a godsend. I was really worried about having this whole party and not having enough time to plan, but I've already got all supplies ready and organized, will be picking up the cake on Friday night so Saturday isn't so frenzied, and then hopefully Saturday, after a few hopefully quick errands, will be ready to welcome the royalty to Claire's castle.
While I clean this place up, the week away from the chaos will also serve as a week to give my mind a good scrub. I am really looking forward to walking into my new job next Monday with high spirits and lots of motivation.
So have I procrastinated enough? LOL Back to the bedroom I go!!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Finding Happiness in Familiar Places
So I've shared the news with most already. I hadn't intended to for another week or so, but circumstances dictated otherwise.
Months of miserable blogs stemming from my life circumstances, namely, my employment. I have always been proud of my career, loved to work. I was going along in life happy with my situation until one ugly day in April 2009 when it all came crashing down. I was laid off and scared out of my mind. I had no income coming in and a 1 1/2-year-old to take care of. So I made a job out of looking for a job and was hired 2.5 months later by a very small firm downtown. From day one, I struggled back and forth with adjusting to this new environment. At one point I thought I had come out on the other side of some rough patches and could really contribute. But there was so much doubt, so much frustration, so much pressure.
My daughter has had to suffer because of the commute. I had to drag her into daycare earlier and pick her up later. I have never been able to come to terms with that. And even so, I was late every day anyway, because I outright refused to yank her out of bed and throw her in the car, which is what was required of me to get there on time. Despite getting a very gratifying amount of reading done, I grew tired of the train, tired of the riff-raff I encountered daily downtown, tired of running from the work building at 5:20 to catch the 5:28 pm train, racing to my car and then to daycare before it closed at 6:30. Rush rush rush rush. That was my life.
Work became less satisfying for many reasons, and personalities began to clash. On one very difficult morning suffering with a terrible migraine, on four hours of sleep, all the frustration came spilling out of my mouth. On the ten counts of verbal assault, I find you, Kara B., guilty. You are sentenced to a miserable work existence for the unforeseeable future. And so the last month has driven me into a dark place where I could see no light. And I desperately searched for a flicker to lead me out.
And finally the flicker came. I reached out to the place that was "home," and they threw me a lifeline. My previous place of employment had contacted me after the layoff on two separate occasions to ask me to come back. Every fiber in my being wanted to accept both times, but both times I turned them down,trying to prove that I could do the job I was hired for, trying to make it work. But this time, I needed out. I needed out so badly it terrified me. So I called, and they answered.
And so, after months of duress, I am returning to the place where I was the happiest in my work existence. This move benefits my daughter...she is one mile away from me...I will get to her so much earlier in the evening. We will have more time to relax and play at night. Her mommy won't be sick from work conflicts. Her mommy will be two minutes away if she needs me.
Today as I drove home from daycare, I noticed a line of maple trees marching up the street. Their leaves were stained with red and gold, and the sun had weakened in the sky and streaked them with a pink hue. I noticed the tall trees on the road home, how they too were changed to the colors of fall. The sky was muted and the air was crisp. When did this happen, I thought. And then I realized, I had been RELEASED. I was opening my eyes for the first time in a long time, and the world was there in all its colors to welcome me back.
Months of miserable blogs stemming from my life circumstances, namely, my employment. I have always been proud of my career, loved to work. I was going along in life happy with my situation until one ugly day in April 2009 when it all came crashing down. I was laid off and scared out of my mind. I had no income coming in and a 1 1/2-year-old to take care of. So I made a job out of looking for a job and was hired 2.5 months later by a very small firm downtown. From day one, I struggled back and forth with adjusting to this new environment. At one point I thought I had come out on the other side of some rough patches and could really contribute. But there was so much doubt, so much frustration, so much pressure.
My daughter has had to suffer because of the commute. I had to drag her into daycare earlier and pick her up later. I have never been able to come to terms with that. And even so, I was late every day anyway, because I outright refused to yank her out of bed and throw her in the car, which is what was required of me to get there on time. Despite getting a very gratifying amount of reading done, I grew tired of the train, tired of the riff-raff I encountered daily downtown, tired of running from the work building at 5:20 to catch the 5:28 pm train, racing to my car and then to daycare before it closed at 6:30. Rush rush rush rush. That was my life.
Work became less satisfying for many reasons, and personalities began to clash. On one very difficult morning suffering with a terrible migraine, on four hours of sleep, all the frustration came spilling out of my mouth. On the ten counts of verbal assault, I find you, Kara B., guilty. You are sentenced to a miserable work existence for the unforeseeable future. And so the last month has driven me into a dark place where I could see no light. And I desperately searched for a flicker to lead me out.
And finally the flicker came. I reached out to the place that was "home," and they threw me a lifeline. My previous place of employment had contacted me after the layoff on two separate occasions to ask me to come back. Every fiber in my being wanted to accept both times, but both times I turned them down,trying to prove that I could do the job I was hired for, trying to make it work. But this time, I needed out. I needed out so badly it terrified me. So I called, and they answered.
And so, after months of duress, I am returning to the place where I was the happiest in my work existence. This move benefits my daughter...she is one mile away from me...I will get to her so much earlier in the evening. We will have more time to relax and play at night. Her mommy won't be sick from work conflicts. Her mommy will be two minutes away if she needs me.
Today as I drove home from daycare, I noticed a line of maple trees marching up the street. Their leaves were stained with red and gold, and the sun had weakened in the sky and streaked them with a pink hue. I noticed the tall trees on the road home, how they too were changed to the colors of fall. The sky was muted and the air was crisp. When did this happen, I thought. And then I realized, I had been RELEASED. I was opening my eyes for the first time in a long time, and the world was there in all its colors to welcome me back.
Hello old friend
It's really good to see you once again
"Hello Old Friend" Eric Clapton
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Fleck of Light
Yes, there is a fleck. And I will share it soon. But for now, I am going to carefully hold it until I know it's for real. Stay tuned :-)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Rock Bottom
Really, I hope this is it. I'd hate to think I'm sitting here and there is even farther down to fall.
A tiny thread was pulled and I began to unravel. I slowly spun until I dwindled. What was left of me clung tight, but to a false power. Anger makes you feel invincible. Angry as a tiger and can tear your flesh apart with a ferocious roar. But when I stopped roaring I realized i'm a shell of a person.
Anger is flesh eating.
I don't self care anymore.
I have lost control and an inferno resulted and i'm sitting in the ashes and the damage is irreparable.
There is a fleck of light I'm nursing right now. If I can carefully tend to this fleck, have it grow into a glowing ember, start rising from the ashes, maybe I can start connecting some dots and begin moving forward. But in the present, I am living with the results of a head-on collision. I will be a shell of a person until I can stand up again. I hope I can stand up again.
A tiny thread was pulled and I began to unravel. I slowly spun until I dwindled. What was left of me clung tight, but to a false power. Anger makes you feel invincible. Angry as a tiger and can tear your flesh apart with a ferocious roar. But when I stopped roaring I realized i'm a shell of a person.
Anger is flesh eating.
I don't self care anymore.
I have lost control and an inferno resulted and i'm sitting in the ashes and the damage is irreparable.
There is a fleck of light I'm nursing right now. If I can carefully tend to this fleck, have it grow into a glowing ember, start rising from the ashes, maybe I can start connecting some dots and begin moving forward. But in the present, I am living with the results of a head-on collision. I will be a shell of a person until I can stand up again. I hope I can stand up again.
I do the best I can, honey. I know it's not enough, and I'm sorry. But that's what you get in life, you know? You get whoever you end up with. Whoever is willing to stick by you, and fight for you, when everyone else is gone. And it ain't always who you expect. But you just have to make do. ---Boys on the Side, 1995
Monday, September 13, 2010
IN-SUNG!!!
Ugh, are you back in the USA yet??? Did you smuggle Kangyi back in your luggage?
I miss those two cutie pies up there.
I miss those two cutie pies up there.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Magic Pill
Well it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you've tried you just can't hide
Your eyes are edged with tears
---19th Nervous Breakdown, Rolling Stones
How about a Mother's Little Helper...got one? The one I swallow everyday doesn't seem to do the trick.
Did you ever think you'd hear someone say that cancer was way easier than depression? Maybe cause I did so well and the cancer was so responsive to that treatment that I didn't face the darker days that some w/that disease do.
All I know is that my existence takes more work than I think should be necessary, and happiness is something I'm not altogether familiar with.
I love being alone but hate being lonely.
I love being single but want to have a family.
I detest being obese but love food more than life.
I want to get out of this bed but it's the safest place I know.
I spend my time thinking Claire deserves so much more than this. But really, it is me who deserves more than this. But I won't do the work, so I don't see any changes ahead. The last time I tried I spent a lot of $$ and got sick from new medication. That most definitely discouraged me.
My romantic memories are littered with partners who grew weary of my erratic moods, my anger, my sadness. So I will be the story to their wives..."My one ex was just crazy...thank God I got out of that one alive." I think about that a LOT. I'm the horror story.
The difference between before and now is that I felt that I had youth on my side, that I was always ready for a new beginning. Now I get older each day, and I have too much to be responsible for to afford myself that new beginning. I'm just not a fan of the whole blended family, sorry.
So with a low mood, struggling finances, and no real "I can't wait for...." prospects, existing means being conscience of each breath in, each breath out.
I'll be OK. Come Tuesday, I'll wind myself up and go through the daily motions and press repeat, cause the days just blend together. But someday, it would be great to be MORE than OK. What would that feel like? I have forgotten the possibility.
If you, reader, do not suffer from mental illness, thank whatever power you believe in. It is wretched, it is unkind, it is all-encompassing. It makes people uncomfortable, as I likely am right now to those who read this. But I'd gladly take that discomfort over this way of life any day.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
---I Am A Rock, Simon & Garfunkel
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Letter to the Playground Mom
Dear Lady at the Playground today,
Could you please stop texting on your phone and push your little boy on the swing? He begged and begged you. Your friend came with her two little ones, and you were wrapped up in a conversation with her. All he wanted was for you to pay attention to him for a bit. I hope when you yelled at him to "Shut up!" that it didn't break his spirit. I wish you would have seen him come to me, talking to me, happy to have someone speak to him with kindness and interest. I hope whatever it was you were doing was truly urgent. And little boy, if you come back to play, I will be happy to push you on the swing until your spirit soars.
Best,
Kara
Could you please stop texting on your phone and push your little boy on the swing? He begged and begged you. Your friend came with her two little ones, and you were wrapped up in a conversation with her. All he wanted was for you to pay attention to him for a bit. I hope when you yelled at him to "Shut up!" that it didn't break his spirit. I wish you would have seen him come to me, talking to me, happy to have someone speak to him with kindness and interest. I hope whatever it was you were doing was truly urgent. And little boy, if you come back to play, I will be happy to push you on the swing until your spirit soars.
Best,
Kara
Monday, August 9, 2010
Less Boob Tube
Here I am, tail between my legs. Yep, I'm the gal who said my child would watch no TV before the age of 2. I made it til she was about 13 months old and Elmo came into our world. I think I kept it under control until the last few months. All of the sudden I became aware that my girl was starting to become addicted to the TV. I limit her shows to the Sprout channel, which is all pre-school and educational, but still, we were starting to creep upwards of two to three hours a day.
Let's face it, it's the easy way out. My day from early morning til late night is rush, rush, rush. I'm always rushing from one place to the next, always on the clock, always chasing a deadline. When we finally get home from work and daycare, I then need to get dinner ready and do the rest of the stuff that needs done. It became so easy to put her in front of Sprout from the time I started dinner until it was time to go for a bath and bed. I could get some laundry started, dishes done, or simply sit on the couch and rest my eyes.
I started to notice that Claire knew the lineup of shows. She would know what came after the next. She would beg to watch On Demand episodes of Caillou one after the other. She started knowing every character's name on every show. She has recently been introduced to Dora, her new obsession, and can sing the theme song and yells "Swiper, no swiping!" every time she sees Swiper the Fox.
It really hit me...this is too much. She will sit glazed in front of that TV, refusing to talk to her dad when he calls at night for her. I decided last Thursday night that I was going to start putting a time limit on her viewing. We got home from work/daycare, and as I prepared dinner, she sat as she usually does and watched a Dora episode. I sat down to dinner with her and let the episode finish (about 25 minutes from start to finish). Then I shut it off. Oh my. That went over like a lead balloon. Kicking and screaming on the floor crying for Dora and Caillou. She went on and on until she looked up...
There I was, dragging the kitchen table into her play room. She stopped crying for a moment to see what I was doing. I hurried about, very animated, and she walked over. "Mommy, what doing?" I threw my arms in the air, "I'm making the castle! I'm making the princess castle!!!" TV was forgotten, as she helped me pile blankets on the table to make our castle. We sat under there for 45 minutes (well, she sat; I crouched) with her tea set. She served tea to her baby and to me. Then we moved over to her table and I pulled out her art box. We worked on drawings for a while. And then it was bedtime. So, all and all, instead of two hours of TV, we had 25 minutes. She watches about a half hour in the morning while we get ready, so that would equal about 1 hour a day total. I'm cool with that.
Tonight she put up a bit of a fight for me. I just kept dragging her to different activities until she forgot what she was crying about. We were in the castle again (my back hates me right now..where's the heating pad). We played with her Fisher Price garage and her drum (girl got rhythm). Then we had clean up and off for our bedtime routine.
Some days I know will be better than others. I'm sure she'll have days where she will end up watching two hours, but I feel good about making a concerted effort to cut back as much as possible and engage her in creative, imaginative play.
And then once she goes to bed, I can tune in to the Golden Girls :-)
Let's face it, it's the easy way out. My day from early morning til late night is rush, rush, rush. I'm always rushing from one place to the next, always on the clock, always chasing a deadline. When we finally get home from work and daycare, I then need to get dinner ready and do the rest of the stuff that needs done. It became so easy to put her in front of Sprout from the time I started dinner until it was time to go for a bath and bed. I could get some laundry started, dishes done, or simply sit on the couch and rest my eyes.
I started to notice that Claire knew the lineup of shows. She would know what came after the next. She would beg to watch On Demand episodes of Caillou one after the other. She started knowing every character's name on every show. She has recently been introduced to Dora, her new obsession, and can sing the theme song and yells "Swiper, no swiping!" every time she sees Swiper the Fox.
It really hit me...this is too much. She will sit glazed in front of that TV, refusing to talk to her dad when he calls at night for her. I decided last Thursday night that I was going to start putting a time limit on her viewing. We got home from work/daycare, and as I prepared dinner, she sat as she usually does and watched a Dora episode. I sat down to dinner with her and let the episode finish (about 25 minutes from start to finish). Then I shut it off. Oh my. That went over like a lead balloon. Kicking and screaming on the floor crying for Dora and Caillou. She went on and on until she looked up...
There I was, dragging the kitchen table into her play room. She stopped crying for a moment to see what I was doing. I hurried about, very animated, and she walked over. "Mommy, what doing?" I threw my arms in the air, "I'm making the castle! I'm making the princess castle!!!" TV was forgotten, as she helped me pile blankets on the table to make our castle. We sat under there for 45 minutes (well, she sat; I crouched) with her tea set. She served tea to her baby and to me. Then we moved over to her table and I pulled out her art box. We worked on drawings for a while. And then it was bedtime. So, all and all, instead of two hours of TV, we had 25 minutes. She watches about a half hour in the morning while we get ready, so that would equal about 1 hour a day total. I'm cool with that.
Tonight she put up a bit of a fight for me. I just kept dragging her to different activities until she forgot what she was crying about. We were in the castle again (my back hates me right now..where's the heating pad). We played with her Fisher Price garage and her drum (girl got rhythm). Then we had clean up and off for our bedtime routine.
Some days I know will be better than others. I'm sure she'll have days where she will end up watching two hours, but I feel good about making a concerted effort to cut back as much as possible and engage her in creative, imaginative play.
And then once she goes to bed, I can tune in to the Golden Girls :-)
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