Monday, July 4, 2011

the bombs bursting in air

so i finally got that one week of blissful respite. oh my gosh, how i needed it. i sat on the most fantastic beach chair every morning til afternoon, escaping into paperbacks and letting soft, foamy waves lap my feet until the tide sunk my chair deep into the sand. the salt water dried my hair into a wonderful matted mess and washed away coats of sunscreen, leaving my shoulders red and crisp. i walked away with that wonderful fatigued feeling only the seashore can bestow. i ate soggy sandwiches and crackers and dove into crashing waves one after the other. i showered away the day and spent evenings at small seaside restaurants eating hush puppies and sitting on the balcony of our rental, watching the ocean until it went black. i closed my eyes and tried to memorize the sound of the waves and the gulls. it was beautiful. it was needed.

so back i am, nursing bug bites and watching the redness fade from my shoulders. it's the fourth of july and i'm alone in a quiet apartment. my child squeals w/delight on the phone, pausing to say hello on what was a joyous week w/her daddy. it was her vacation too, from school, from our rushed routine. what a welcome change for her...playing in the backyard on a voluminous blow-up pool and slide, painting exotic pictures with her cousin, riding a bike, going to parties. I smile knowing she needed it as much as i did. i smile at the blessing she has of so much family to love her.

and now i sit, fighting a migraine for the second day. maybe the change in atmospheres? who knows. i fold one load of laundry after another, trying to put the endless piles back into their place. but there are always piles here at my house. papers here, shoes there, a stack of vogues and harpers bazaars over the bathroom floor. i carried the freshly scrubbed attitude from the beach back to my home today, walking makeup free with a wet head into starbucks to get a chai and a new view. i read beautiful stories in vogue about a lost past, about emma watson. i'm in the softest of t-shirts, a billowy white skirt, flip-flops.

i return here to spend the last hours of my escape. i look once again at the video claire's grandma sent me..a Summer Saturday starring claire and elena. i love seeing her happiness. i press between my eyes to relieve some of the pressure still stubbornly residing in my head. i briefly wish i could be at a picnic with my family. i think about watching a movie.

i miss writing. i like pressing letters to form a drawing of my life or some fictionalized form of it. maybe i'll come back again someday soon.