Thursday, October 14, 2010

Finding Happiness in Familiar Places

So I've shared the news with most already. I hadn't intended to for another week or so, but circumstances dictated otherwise.

Months of miserable blogs stemming from my life circumstances, namely, my employment. I have always been proud of my career, loved to work. I was going along in life happy with my situation until one ugly day in April 2009 when it all came crashing down. I was laid off and scared out of my mind. I had no income coming in and a 1 1/2-year-old to take care of. So I made a job out of looking for a job and was hired 2.5 months later by a very small firm downtown. From day one, I struggled back and forth with adjusting to this new environment. At one point I thought I had come out on the other side of some rough patches and could really contribute. But there was so much doubt, so much frustration, so much pressure.

My daughter has had to suffer because of the commute. I had to drag her into daycare earlier and pick her up later. I have never been able to come to terms with that. And even so, I was late every day anyway, because I outright refused to yank her out of bed and throw her in the car, which is what was required of me to get there on time. Despite getting a very gratifying amount of reading done, I grew tired of the train, tired of the riff-raff I encountered daily downtown, tired of running from the work building at 5:20 to catch the 5:28 pm train, racing to my car and then to daycare before it closed at 6:30. Rush rush rush rush. That was my life.

Work became less satisfying for many reasons, and personalities began to clash. On one very difficult morning suffering with a terrible migraine, on four hours of sleep, all the frustration came spilling out of my mouth. On the ten counts of verbal assault, I find you, Kara B., guilty. You are sentenced to a miserable work existence for the unforeseeable future. And so the last month has driven me into a dark place where I could see no light. And I desperately searched for a flicker to lead me out.

And finally the flicker came. I reached out to the place that was "home," and they threw me a lifeline. My previous place of employment had contacted me after the layoff on two separate occasions to ask me to come back. Every fiber in my being wanted to accept both times, but both times I turned them down,trying to prove that I could do the job I was hired for, trying to make it work. But this time, I needed out. I needed out so badly it terrified me. So I called, and they answered.

And so, after months of duress, I am returning to the place where I was the happiest in my work existence. This move benefits my daughter...she is one mile away from me...I will get to her so much earlier in the evening. We will have more time to relax and play at night. Her mommy won't be sick from work conflicts. Her mommy will be two minutes away if she needs me.

Today as I drove home from daycare, I noticed a line of maple trees marching up the street. Their leaves were stained with red and gold, and the sun had weakened in the sky and streaked them with a pink hue. I noticed the tall trees on the road home, how they too were changed to the colors of fall. The sky was muted and the air was crisp. When did this happen, I thought. And then I realized, I had been RELEASED. I was opening my eyes for the first time in a long time, and the world was there in all its colors to welcome me back.

Hello old friend
It's really good to see you once again

"Hello Old Friend" Eric Clapton


countlessstarts said...

I miss walking around the pond on campus and seeing LR chasing gees hissing at her... I am so happy to read this.

KaraB said...

LOL! Scrappy chasing the geese!! Oh, those were the good old days!

Jessi said...

Oh Kara, I am so happy to hear this! I am so very excited for you and Claire! Enjoy the transition back to the good and familiar!