Friday, June 4, 2010

Alone with My Thoughts on a Friday Night

Have gotten into that uninspired mode again where I just can't think of anything interesting enough to blog about. But I'm alone here tonight...Fuzz is with her Daddy...and all the random thoughts buzz around my head so that the quiet really just isn't.

I'm disgusted with myself. I have let myself slip into a terrible funk with regard to my appearance. I've always had self-esteem issues, but at the same time, I was incredibly vain. I was always aiming for good hair, kept my eyebrows groomed, nails done, could rock a smoky eye and a killer pair of 3-inch heels.

Now? Oy. Eyebrows that haven't been plucked since Christmas. No haircut since before the blizzards, and no style to it to speak of. My nails are bare, half of them broken, and I still won't wear sandals or flip flops because my feet look inhuman. None of my clothes fit, and I just throw on random stuff that doesn't really even work together.

This all goes to the core issue of my weight, which has been something that has consumed me since the age of 10. Up until the age of 10, I was the exact same weight as my friend, Missy Yanity. But at age 10, and my induction into the fourth grade, changed that. Suddenly, I wasn't scoring straight A's with no effort. Suddenly things became more challenging. I was feeling something that wasn't familiar and not at all good. At age 10, I had no idea that feeling was anxiety. I didn't know there were healthy ways to handle it. What helped was a Little Debbie. No, actually what helped was a box of Little Debbies. And so began the emotional eating.

Miraculously, I had a good metabolism and through high school, I never was what you would even call overweight. Of course, I thought I was a cow. Looking back, would you call this girl a cow?

I gained a bit of weight my first year of college, and I went on a fairly successful diet and lost over 20 pounds and was at my best adult weight ever. But you know what? I still felt like a cow. All I could see were the friends who surrounded me...tall, lanky. I was never getting beyond 5'3'', and my body was thicker, curvier. I hated it. This was pre-JLo. This was the Kate Moss, heroin chic era. So at a healthy weight, I continued hating myself.

I had lost a bit of weight again right after college, and then that August I was diagnosed with cancer. There would be some trauma. How do I handle any trauma? Eating. There's a drug called Zofran that was a lifesaver while I took my chemo treatments. It took away almost all nausea. So I was able to eat. And did I ever eat. I binged my way through fear and depression. I hit remission and came out of chemo 40 pounds heavier. And I have never really recovered since that time.

I have managed to lose weight here and there, but I fall back into binging. I had just lost some weight and was really in a good momentum when I found out I was pregnant. I quickly was struck with "morning sickness" (in quotes because it was allllll day), and my eating and exercise program fell to the wayside. I did manage to limit my pregnancy weight gain to 18 pounds, and quickly dropped it once Claire was born. But my body was completely different after the pregnancy. And the stresses came one after the other. The end of the relationship with her dad, struggling as a single mom, not being able to really put myself first, just like all the other moms I know.

Soooo, with that in mind, I have packed on what I believe to be about 50 pounds on top of the mess I was already in. I won't get on a scale, so I can't say for sure, but I have my reasons to believe that is a fair assumption. I honestly don't recognize myself. My face looks so different with all the extra weight. I only look in the mirror long enough to brush my hair and teeth and put what little makeup on that I do wear. This is the longest I've gone without at least trying to diet. I feel really, really defeated.

I so want to change. I do. But I'm quite terrified there's no turning back. I know you have to start somewhere, but it's such a monumental undertaking. What I keep focusing on is Claire. I want to be a role model for her. I want to be able to run and play at the park with her. I get winded so easily. My knees hurt all the time now. I'm always tired from lack of movement and from very poor food choices.

So I don't know. Even after all of this, I still feel too weak to overcome. But I'm going to really, really "noodle" on it, as my boss would say, and I'm going to seek the strength I need.

I really didn't intend for this to be a "weight" blog, but when I think of myself, I don't think of anything...anything at all...but weight. I define myself just by that. It has been a focus of my life for almost 30 years. I need it out of my head. I need it off of my body.

While I ponder all of this, I also do fun stuff, like scour Etsy for artwork for my new place. I have a few pieces picked out, and once that freelance check comes, I may treat myself to one of them.

I watch Hoarders, and it helps motivate me to keep this place clean. I've been doing a pretty good job, except for my bedroom, which never got properly unpacked. I am going to give it another go tomorrow. I would like to have my friends over soon. That would be nice.

I continue to work on my parenting. Claire is certainly no shrinking violet, and I have every confidence that she will challenge me her whole life. She has a strong brings dazzling highs and absolute chaos. I love the person she is. But some of the behaviors aren't so desirable. But I'm catching on to what works...diversion especially. And giving Claire tasks is another good one...she wants to help with everything, and I know it raises her self-esteem, which is at the forefront of my goals. The enrichment teacher from KinderCare called today and wants to assess Claire for the Phonics class. I'm all for it...I'll find the extra money; I want her to have every opportunity to learn and grow. We continue our after-school "playground tour," and visit different spots every day that isn't raining. I study her like she's my thesis, and I hug and kiss her every minute so she is absolutely wrapped in the security of my love. Claire was meant to be in this wasn't even a choice, it was a necessity...her existence was meant to be.

So my friends, that is where this Friday evening has taken me. I'm glad to tell you I'm smiling now. I think good things are ahead. I'm ready for them.


Insung said...

Thought you would have a lonely Friday night after a long day at work... It doesn't look like that at all. Even with all your struggles, you are still full of life with your thoughts and ideas. Keep going. Just starting somewhere seems so hard, but you can do it!

LeeAnn said...

This is a beautiful post. I love the honesty in your blog. I found myself wanting to read more! When I was young I was always underweight. Boney chest, not boobs, no but. It was horrible. After I had my son at 27 I was a blimp. I hated myself, had mom jeans, and mom hair, and mom shoes. I was just a cookie-cutter mom. Hated everything in my closet, and everything I tried to do with my crappy hair. I assumed "oh well, I don't have time. I don't have any energy to change screw it." Then..I chopped my hair on an impulse day, really short, bold and stylish. That changed everything! I lost all the weight, just by accident...and I started dressing better, and taking more time for me. Of course this was all a tad more complicated that it sounds, but that's the just of it. I guess what I'm trying to say is find something, and jump two feet first into something new! Bold. out of the norm. That should start a cycle of change. "behaved girls don't leave a mark!" You have to be willing to take a plunge, even if something small - to prove to yourself you can do it, and show yourself how AMAZING if feels. Peirce something, tattoo something, colour your hair, or do a bold cut....even just wear bright blue heals one day to the grocery store. Whatever feels "brave" to you. That will start a domino's effect on your life. Try it.
I will keep reading your blog, I love it!! Thanks for being so honest. If you ever get a chance, check out my blog...
I'm just as screwed up. lol
Thanks can make change..anytime, anywhere. You live ONCE. PLUNGE!! ;) xo

Sal-Gal said...

Hi, You are an amazing mum to Clare and your unconditonal love shows through what you have written. I'm a mum to 3 grown up daughters who have married and left home but well remember all the difficulties of them growing up and finding their own indepenant values. You will never, ever probably be a 'skinny'you have a womanly figure of a mother. There's something special about that! Anyway, I need to lose weight too but just to get to a size that's comfortable for me, as a 50-something nanna of two! I hope to follow your blog - you are an interesting person.