Monday, December 1, 2008

Stuff and Nonsense

Stuff and Nonsense is a song by Split Enz, i.e., Neil Finn before Crowded House. I thought it was a good blog title because I have about 20 blogs running through my head, each containing about 2 lines. I am just throwing them out here, because I can't really form a complete blog out of any one or maybe I just don't want to put out the effort.

I was driving on Reisterstown Road today at lunch to go to the bank and card store. I saw CJ's Crabhouse. I've lived here almost 9 years and have passed that so many times. It is in such an odd place. It looks well kept. But I don't like seafood, so it's not somewhere I'd think to stop.

I need a break from my neverending copyediting (of which I was doing at 3:20 am after waking from a restless sleep with a nervous headache and the shakes). It is the thorn in my side, the weight on my shoulders. Two more chapters, cleanup of a few, acknowledgments. Long. Tedious.

I did go to the card store. Each year I relish the task of picking out boxed Christmas cards. I went to the Hallmark store and as it turns out, they were running a buy one box, get one half off special. I scanned the shelves. Lots of OK stuff, nothing that really grabbed me. But I did want the discount, so I settled on two boxes of the same design. They don't thrill me, but they're OK. I will whittle down my card list to 36 to accommodate, or else I'll be sending old cards to a few people.

I'm lonely. I've been lonely for a while, but I'm putting it out there officially. Hello world, I'm lonely. I don't particularly want a relationship. I just miss companionship. One day not long ago Brant was "flying" Claire through the air right over to my face where I'd kiss her. She'd laugh so hard. I had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. This is the family I should have. This is the family I don't have.

It's sad that I hate weekends. Everyone at work waits and waits, and I pretend to be excited, too, but in truth, it's the loneliest time for me. I take Claire for walks and to Starbucks, sometimes to Target, but most of the day we spend in the apartment by ourselves. It's very quiet. I hear stories of friends with kids going to get a Christmas tree or just spending a day together. I do get sad. I try not to, but I do.

I've become unrecognizable as well. Who is the girl in the pictures? Her face resembles mine, but what happened? I should be happy I'm not in the throes of drug addiction or homelessness, but the food addiction has reached a dangerous point. I'm scared and feel out of control. I have promised myself to really reach out for help at the start of the new year. But right now my body feels so unhealthy. I have stopped tending to myself. My hair needs cut, my eyebrows need groomed. I used to love clothes and now I put on whatever I can get around me, which is not much. I have not felt within ten miles of attractive in what feels like years.

Not very uplifting is it. Hmm. The beauty of a blog...I write, you choose whether to read.

So I'm sort of not sure if there is even a path that I'm supposed to take. Right now it feels like I'm sitting in sort of a drizzly, cold place and am stagnant.

At least Christmas is coming. I want to get Claire a toy for the bathtub and a book and that will be it. Mom has given me the do not spend a lot of money speech. I don't have many people to buy for, and I've saved enough copyediting money to get what I need. I would just like for my mom and dad to be able to stay home with me while I'm home. I'm beyond wishing for any gifts. I really don't want a thing. It will just be nice to feel like I belong somewhere.

OK, all this stuff and nonsense is done now. Please everyone enjoy each day of this holiday season, because it is the best time of the year!

2 comments:

LoveLladro said...

I am sending you a virtual hug! I hope you get your wish of family time this Christmas!

iskim9 said...

You reached a point that you need a break. I am glad Christmas is right around the corner and you and Claire get to spend several days at your parents'. Have a great time there. Hope you are recharged when you come back. I almost felt pain in my chest as I read this.