Monday, December 1, 2008

Stuff and Nonsense

Stuff and Nonsense is a song by Split Enz, i.e., Neil Finn before Crowded House. I thought it was a good blog title because I have about 20 blogs running through my head, each containing about 2 lines. I am just throwing them out here, because I can't really form a complete blog out of any one or maybe I just don't want to put out the effort.

I was driving on Reisterstown Road today at lunch to go to the bank and card store. I saw CJ's Crabhouse. I've lived here almost 9 years and have passed that so many times. It is in such an odd place. It looks well kept. But I don't like seafood, so it's not somewhere I'd think to stop.

I need a break from my neverending copyediting (of which I was doing at 3:20 am after waking from a restless sleep with a nervous headache and the shakes). It is the thorn in my side, the weight on my shoulders. Two more chapters, cleanup of a few, acknowledgments. Long. Tedious.

I did go to the card store. Each year I relish the task of picking out boxed Christmas cards. I went to the Hallmark store and as it turns out, they were running a buy one box, get one half off special. I scanned the shelves. Lots of OK stuff, nothing that really grabbed me. But I did want the discount, so I settled on two boxes of the same design. They don't thrill me, but they're OK. I will whittle down my card list to 36 to accommodate, or else I'll be sending old cards to a few people.

I'm lonely. I've been lonely for a while, but I'm putting it out there officially. Hello world, I'm lonely. I don't particularly want a relationship. I just miss companionship. One day not long ago Brant was "flying" Claire through the air right over to my face where I'd kiss her. She'd laugh so hard. I had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. This is the family I should have. This is the family I don't have.

It's sad that I hate weekends. Everyone at work waits and waits, and I pretend to be excited, too, but in truth, it's the loneliest time for me. I take Claire for walks and to Starbucks, sometimes to Target, but most of the day we spend in the apartment by ourselves. It's very quiet. I hear stories of friends with kids going to get a Christmas tree or just spending a day together. I do get sad. I try not to, but I do.

I've become unrecognizable as well. Who is the girl in the pictures? Her face resembles mine, but what happened? I should be happy I'm not in the throes of drug addiction or homelessness, but the food addiction has reached a dangerous point. I'm scared and feel out of control. I have promised myself to really reach out for help at the start of the new year. But right now my body feels so unhealthy. I have stopped tending to myself. My hair needs cut, my eyebrows need groomed. I used to love clothes and now I put on whatever I can get around me, which is not much. I have not felt within ten miles of attractive in what feels like years.

Not very uplifting is it. Hmm. The beauty of a blog...I write, you choose whether to read.

So I'm sort of not sure if there is even a path that I'm supposed to take. Right now it feels like I'm sitting in sort of a drizzly, cold place and am stagnant.

At least Christmas is coming. I want to get Claire a toy for the bathtub and a book and that will be it. Mom has given me the do not spend a lot of money speech. I don't have many people to buy for, and I've saved enough copyediting money to get what I need. I would just like for my mom and dad to be able to stay home with me while I'm home. I'm beyond wishing for any gifts. I really don't want a thing. It will just be nice to feel like I belong somewhere.

OK, all this stuff and nonsense is done now. Please everyone enjoy each day of this holiday season, because it is the best time of the year!


LoveLladro said...

I am sending you a virtual hug! I hope you get your wish of family time this Christmas!

iskim9 said...

You reached a point that you need a break. I am glad Christmas is right around the corner and you and Claire get to spend several days at your parents'. Have a great time there. Hope you are recharged when you come back. I almost felt pain in my chest as I read this.