Monday, January 12, 2009

Because it's true

I'd like to think I'm whimsical and unique and share things that people don't mind reading. But there's a truth inside that isn't very readable. It probably makes whoever is reading uncomfortable. It makes me question whether I should make this blog private. I don't know.

Anyway, the loneliness and hopelessness are so true and strong that they're palpable. I look at the future and it's absolutely blank. I hear/read people relaying their weekends. Casual get-togethers to watch the game, trips away, just having dinner at home together. It tears at my heart now like it never has. I see kids in pictures standing beside the fireplaces in their home. My heart breaks. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like all that I was to become is what I am now. There will never be a house. There will never be someone to be a family with.

I spend most days with a lump in my throat, tears on the brink of cresting. I'll put the smile on just so I don't drive everyone away, just so people don't think i'm losing it. I take care of Claire because she deserves more than anything to be happy, and I dread the day when she's old enough to realize what she doesn't have.

I'll resent him forever for this. I shouldn't but I will. And I will always wonder why God picked him to be in my life plan and to be that precious baby's father. I guess there's a reason for it, but I just can't figure it out.

I must get back to work now. If you want to roll your eyes at this or have your opinion on how I can make it better, of course it's your prerogative. But please keep it to yourself, because today, this is simply my truth.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh honey....this makes me feel that I am so hopeless. I can't really say anything to make you feel better. Claire is the most precious thing. Hang in there..and cheer up!