Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Frustration Nation

I'm really just bummed out today. I'm better off than so many people, but right now, i just feel defeated.

I want Claire to grow up in a house with a yard, and I'm giving her a box apartment with no grass and loud, obnoxious neighbors.

I want Claire to be in the best daycare, so I put her there and can't afford it from week to week.

I want to give my mom and dad gifts and money so they can enjoy life for once, yet I bleed them dry because I can't manage my own expenses.

I park between a Lexus SUV and a Mercedes C-class at daycare, and my own humble Honda is still not paid off---a 6-year car loan to afford a Honda.

I have to fit at least 20 people into my pea-sized apartment for Claire's birthday, so no one will want to stay because it's so uncomfortable.

I want to never look at a picture of myself again, because I don't recognize who I've become but am too weak and lazy to do anything about the weight.

I want to have happy family weekends, but there's no one there to share them with.

I want to put a lousy tank of gas in my car, but am praying I make it on half a tank because there's no money left to fill it.

I work too hard for this. I'm ashamed and angry and jealous and sad. If you put all those in a pot and stir them up, it doesn't make for a good concoction.

So now what? I guess keep prodding through and keep trying.

2 comments:

LoveLladro said...

love the honesty. {hugs}

iskim9 said...

With all these, you are still a loving mom, a great friend and a wonderful woman after all. {hugs}